Thanksgiving

I know it is January and not November, but this morning I have been thinking about infertility and all the things it brings to a person's life. To be sure IF has brought me a lot of heartache and stress. It has brought me 45 extra pounds on my body and countless tears, BUT it has brought me many positive things as well.

First and foremost my IF journey has brought so many wonderful women into my life. These are women that I would have never met or gotten to know in my daily life. I never cease to be amazed at the love and support only a woman going through IF herself can give to another woman.

I have discovered a strength I didn't know I had. It takes a strong woman to keep going even when there is no guarantee that the goal will ever be reached. It takes stamina and courage to inject powerful drugs into your body over and over again just in the hopes that someday you will be a Mommy, or a Mommy-Again.

IF has taught me that I did indeed make the right decision in picking my DH to spend the rest of my life with me. Sure he drives me crazy and doesn't always do or say the right thing, but all in all I can't imagine anyone else who would put up with my mood swings or ever increasing rear end and still love me.

Finally, IF has taught me to count my blessings. I truly want another child. I desire it with my whole heart, but if for some reason God decides not to bless me again I know that I am still blessed. I have beautiful and wonderful children, a great husband and good friends. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have great insurance coverage so the money factor is no longer the deciding factor in how long we pursue this dream. IF has also taught me to lean on my faith and my God. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm trying.

So while IF really SUCKS and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I can say that it has brought some good things to my life to balance out the crap. I guess that is just life.

I found this poem this afternoon. I remember reading it in a college poetry class and being struck by it. As I have been thinking of things to comfort T in her recent loss I have considered sending it to her, but I'm not sure it is the right time.

I thought once how Theocritus had sung

Of the sweet years, the dear and wished-for years,

Who each one in a gracious hand appears

To bear a gift for mortals, old or young:

And, as I mused it in his antique tongue,

I saw, in gradual vision through my tears,

The sweet, sad years, the melancholy years,

Those of my own life, who by turns had flung

A shadow across me. Straightway I was 'ware,

So weeping, how a mystic Shape did move

Behind me, and drew me backward by the hair;

And a voice said in mastery, while I strove,--

"Guess now who holds thee!"--"Death," I said, But, there,

The silver answer rang, "Not Death, but Love."

Early morning musings

Ah to be young again!

After a long day and a welcome bed time I was looking forward to a full night's sleep. It started well and I was happily snoozing away when I started dreaming that J&P were playing in their room. Oh how sweet. But wait, I wasn't dreaming. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 4:10 AM!!!!!!!! WTH???? I tried to ignore them hoping they would go back to bed. What was I thinking? They were having so much fun. I heard their computer go on and I heard them talking. I was annoyed, but to be honest it was kind of fun to lay there and listen to them. It took me back to a time about 7 years ago when I would lay in bed and listen to them while they were in their cribs. As little babies J&P needed to be with each other. They would scoot toward each other until their precious little heads touched and when we had to seperate them into their own cribs they would scoot until their heads were as close to touching ss physically possible. When they would wake up J&P would spend about 30 minutes just cooing and laughing with each other before they were ready to start the day.

Gosh I miss those sweet times with little babies. I love my big boys and I love watching them grow and learn, but I still long for the days with a little one. I can only hope that God will see fit to grant me the pleasure one more time.

What a wild and crazy ride!

So now we wait again! To be honest I'm thrilled to be able to wait because yesterday we were pretty certain the entire cycle had been a bust. Let me back up a bit.

Friday morning I went for the first of what was supposed to be 2 IUIs. It went well and Dh's swimmers were in rare and frantic form.

Saturday I go in for the second IUI to be told that I still haven't ovulated, but not to worry it was still ok. It had been 36 hours from the "trigger." About an hour after the IUI I became very ill. I was bloated and cramping and at times had a really hard time even standing upright. I was sure I was ovulating all those follicles. What else could cause that kind of pain?

Sunday, IUI and ultrasound. Dr. H tells me that I still haven't ovulated! WTH??? It was 60 hours post trigger and I should have ovulated if I was going to. It appeared that I wasn't going to ovulate. Dr. H had blood drawn to verify that I hadn't ovulated, but didn't give me much hope that the cycle would continue.

Today I got a call from Dr. R, my regular RE, who told me that I did infact ovulate and ovulated very well as my progesterone was at 36 which is very high for so early. Dr. R gave me 3 scenarios for why the "follicles" were still visible on the ultrasound.

1. I had a lot of follicles so I might not have ovulated all of them.

2. The follicles he saw were the small follicles that didn't ovulate but continued to grow after the trigger.

3. The ovulated follicles had already filled up from ovulation. He said it can happen within 12 hours, but that usually happens in younger women. UGH! When is he going to figure out that my ovaries don't know how old they are and I don't plan on telling them?

So now we wait again and gratefully wait at that! January 15th can't come fast enough for me.