Wishing for Baby

Is Jesus speaking to me?

2009-04-14T01:40:00.001-04:00

OK girls, this might be a long one, but I have had these things on my heart for a while and I have been waiting for the right time to share. So grab a coke and some chips and settle down for a long read.

A few weeks ago my MIL pulled me aside and told me she had something for me. That I needed to go to her house and get it. We went a few days later and my MIL gave me a container of Holy Water from Our Lady of Fatima. She told me that if I drank the water Jesus would give me a baby. I looked at her stunned because we have NOT told her that we are trying to have a baby. She told me that Jesus told her that I wanted a baby and if I drank the water he would give one to me. I thanked her and took the Water. I didn't drink it right away. Then a very close friend of our family died and I didn't think it was appropriate to use God's grace at that time. I knew that dh and I wouldn't be together for a while and didn't want to waste it. MIL and FIL watched the boys while we went to our friend's wake. When we picked them up after the service she asked me if I had drank the Water and I told her no. She said again that Jesus had told her to tell me to drink it. Wednesday morning I decided to drink it. I drank ½ of it. That day I got so much EWCM that I was a bit shocked I haven't gotten EWCM like that in over a year. Then that night dh and I DTD! No pressure, no fighting or begging, just two people in love who needed to be together to heal our broken hearts.

Yesterday at Easter Mass I was singing the Glory Be and I just got this feeling that I would actually have another baby and decided then and there that if I did get pregnant with a girl I would consider the name Gloria. I don't know where that thought could have come from other than Jesus himself. For the past 2 weeks or so I have been really at peace with the idea that J&P may be my last babies. I still want one, but I was ok with the idea that it might not happen. Suddenly there was the thought that I might just have another one. I drank the rest of the Water when I got home. Last night dh and I DTD again! Once again it was so nice and no pressure. This morning I got up and all the EWCM was gone! I must have ovulated over night.

Today is my MIL's birthday and as I was driving the kids to my SIL's house for a semi-surprise party for MIL I suddenly got very dizzy, flushed and nauseaus. It was over in 10 minutes. I remember that happening once with J&P and each time that I got pg and miscarried. It was strange, but I don't really know what to make of it. I just prayed that if this was a sign that God would please grow and protect the miracle He is working inside me.

At the party I was playing with my almost 2 year old nephew. I love this child so much, but he has always sparked the most intense pain in my heart. When SIL got pg dh and I were still debating the surgery and in fact had decided against having it. I was devestated that SIL could just decide to get pg and it happened the first month for her both times. I am not proud to admit that I prayed for some really horrible things that make me hang my head in shame when I look at Lucas. Then she gave birth to a RED HEADED LITTLE BOY. You see, I always dreamed I would have a red headed little boy. She had my baby and I hated her for it! It has been a real struggle to love that little blessing so much and to feel such pain every time I look at him. Today the pain wasn't so intense. Yes there was a pinch of my heart, but nothing like what it was before. Thank you God for buffering my pain today as my heart is still healing from John's loss.

At one point my MIL called me aside and said that she knew I hurt. MIL doesn't speak much English and I speak even less Spanish. I acted like I didn't know what she was talking about. She told me she sees pain in my eyes when I play with Lucas, but that Jesus will erase my pain very soon.

I have been praying so hard for God's grace in this journey. He gave it to me with the last IUI cycle and even now through this "wait time." I can only hope that he is speaking to me through my MIL and that very soon Jesus will send his grace down to me and I will be holding and playing with my very own baby soon. If not I know I will be ok. I now have that peace in my heart. Jesus loves me this I know is the first line of a favorite children's song and I truly believe this. Jesus loves me and wants only the best for me and my family. I know He will do what is right. I just had to learn to let go and let him do what He needs to do. I still don't know His plan. Is it to give me another child to love and raise to love Him, or is it to just make me a better mother to the children that I already have? I just hope that I am able to follow Him and make Him proud of his child.

A Season of Hope

2009-02-04T12:28:00.002-05:00

Well, our last cycle was a big fat bust! Now we are just waiting to try again. How do we keep going? Where do all of those fighting infertilty find the strength and courage to do this again and again? Heck if I know? All I know is that for me there is a hole in my soul that is waiting for another baby to come fill it. I cannot stop. I cannot rest until I know that I have done all that I can to fill that hole. So I cry when I need to, scream when I have to and keep on trying. That is all any of us can do.

I am blessed in so many ways on this journey. Of course there are the children I already have and cherish beyond words and my friends that I have met along this road, and I am especially blessed that my DH has a good job which allows us to continue as long as we can physically and spiritually endure. Many people are not that lucky. One such woman is a good friend of mine. I think the best description of this lady is to say she has the heart of a lion and the soul of a lamb. She is an amazing lady who SHOULD have a baby. Unfortunately her insurance company doesn't cover IVF which is now her last option. Her friends and I have banded together to make sure that our dear friend can fulfill her destiny to be a Mommy. If you have a few dollars to donate to help her please visit this site:
https://www.fundable.com/groupactions/groupaction.2009-02-03.7003289823
Any amount is appreciated and even just $10 can help more than you would imagine.
Thanks so much and L keep your chin up girl! This WILL happen for you!

Thanksgiving

2009-01-07T07:26:00.005-05:00

I know it is January and not November, but this morning I have been thinking about infertility and all the things it brings to a person's life. To be sure IF has brought me a lot of heartache and stress. It has brought me 45 extra pounds on my body and countless tears, BUT it has brought me many positive things as well.

First and foremost my IF journey has brought so many wonderful women into my life. These are women that I would have never met or gotten to know in my daily life. I never cease to be amazed at the love and support only a woman going through IF herself can give to another woman.

I have discovered a strength I didn't know I had. It takes a strong woman to keep going even when there is no guarantee that the goal will ever be reached. It takes stamina and courage to inject powerful drugs into your body over and over again just in the hopes that someday you will be a Mommy, or a Mommy-Again.

IF has taught me that I did indeed make the right decision in picking my DH to spend the rest of my life with me. Sure he drives me crazy and doesn't always do or say the right thing, but all in all I can't imagine anyone else who would put up with my mood swings or ever increasing rear end and still love me.

Finally, IF has taught me to count my blessings. I truly want another child. I desire it with my whole heart, but if for some reason God decides not to bless me again I know that I am still blessed. I have beautiful and wonderful children, a great husband and good friends. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have great insurance coverage so the money factor is no longer the deciding factor in how long we pursue this dream. IF has also taught me to lean on my faith and my God. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm trying.

So while IF really SUCKS and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I can say that it has brought some good things to my life to balance out the crap. I guess that is just life.

I found this poem this afternoon. I remember reading it in a college poetry class and being struck by it. As I have been thinking of things to comfort T in her recent loss I have considered sending it to her, but I'm not sure it is the right time.

I thought once how Theocritus had sung

Of the sweet years, the dear and wished-for years,

Who each one in a gracious hand appears

To bear a gift for mortals, old or young:

And, as I mused it in his antique tongue,

I saw, in gradual vision through my tears,

The sweet, sad years, the melancholy years,

Those of my own life, who by turns had flung

A shadow across me. Straightway I was 'ware,

So weeping, how a mystic Shape did move

Behind me, and drew me backward by the hair;

And a voice said in mastery, while I strove,--

"Guess now who holds thee!"--"Death," I said, But, there,

The silver answer rang, "Not Death, but Love."

Early morning musings

2009-01-06T08:57:00.002-05:00

Ah to be young again!

After a long day and a welcome bed time I was looking forward to a full night's sleep. It started well and I was happily snoozing away when I started dreaming that J&P were playing in their room. Oh how sweet. But wait, I wasn't dreaming. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 4:10 AM!!!!!!!! WTH???? I tried to ignore them hoping they would go back to bed. What was I thinking? They were having so much fun. I heard their computer go on and I heard them talking. I was annoyed, but to be honest it was kind of fun to lay there and listen to them. It took me back to a time about 7 years ago when I would lay in bed and listen to them while they were in their cribs. As little babies J&P needed to be with each other. They would scoot toward each other until their precious little heads touched and when we had to seperate them into their own cribs they would scoot until their heads were as close to touching ss physically possible. When they would wake up J&P would spend about 30 minutes just cooing and laughing with each other before they were ready to start the day.

Gosh I miss those sweet times with little babies. I love my big boys and I love watching them grow and learn, but I still long for the days with a little one. I can only hope that God will see fit to grant me the pleasure one more time.

What a wild and crazy ride!

2009-01-05T15:01:00.002-05:00

So now we wait again! To be honest I'm thrilled to be able to wait because yesterday we were pretty certain the entire cycle had been a bust. Let me back up a bit.

Friday morning I went for the first of what was supposed to be 2 IUIs. It went well and Dh's swimmers were in rare and frantic form.

Saturday I go in for the second IUI to be told that I still haven't ovulated, but not to worry it was still ok. It had been 36 hours from the "trigger." About an hour after the IUI I became very ill. I was bloated and cramping and at times had a really hard time even standing upright. I was sure I was ovulating all those follicles. What else could cause that kind of pain?

Sunday, IUI and ultrasound. Dr. H tells me that I still haven't ovulated! WTH??? It was 60 hours post trigger and I should have ovulated if I was going to. It appeared that I wasn't going to ovulate. Dr. H had blood drawn to verify that I hadn't ovulated, but didn't give me much hope that the cycle would continue.

Today I got a call from Dr. R, my regular RE, who told me that I did infact ovulate and ovulated very well as my progesterone was at 36 which is very high for so early. Dr. R gave me 3 scenarios for why the "follicles" were still visible on the ultrasound.

1. I had a lot of follicles so I might not have ovulated all of them.

2. The follicles he saw were the small follicles that didn't ovulate but continued to grow after the trigger.

3. The ovulated follicles had already filled up from ovulation. He said it can happen within 12 hours, but that usually happens in younger women. UGH! When is he going to figure out that my ovaries don't know how old they are and I don't plan on telling them?

So now we wait again and gratefully wait at that! January 15th can't come fast enough for me.

Still in the game

2008-12-31T09:24:00.003-05:00

So I had another dark:30 appointment at the RE today. When he walked in he asked how I'm doing. Does he really want to know? Does he want to know that I am completely heartbroken for my friend T? Does he want to know that I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired that I just might scream? I don't think so. I just told him that I'm about done with all this fun. Then to lay back and let the fun begin! I have 5 almost mature follicles on my right ovary and my left ovary is still being the bitch that she is and hiding way behind my uterus. What the heck is that about? Really? When I asked the RE about my blood levels being so high indicating more follicles than we would like he told me that with Lucy Lefty over there hiding the chance of getting pregnant from that ovary is slim to none. She is just too far away from Beauty Tube so we will proceed from here on out as if I just have Mighty Righty doing all the work.

So now we wait. Wait for the results of today's blood work to see what my E2 levels are and to see if I trigger tonight or tomorrow. Either way the IUIs are scheduled for Friday and Saturday. Hooray. No more Follistim for me!

In an only in New York moment, the RE asked me why I looked so upset. I told him about T and in true New Yorker style he came to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Yes, that does suck!" What caring, what professionalism. You know what? It was exactly what I needed to hear. On another note if I do get pregnant this cycle I can say that Natalie Portman's father knocked me up! Yep! Dr. H is on call Friday and Saturday and is Natalie Portman's father! Now do you think he can put a little of that tiny, beautiful, talented baby girl mojo on F's "donation?" It would be nice!

I'll update later when I get my numbers in.

God has a way of soothing the hurt

2008-12-30T19:20:00.005-05:00

I was reeling from my friend's sad news. (BTW I heard you say, "You think?") I was so sad. I found a blog written by a woman who was dying from Cancer. She was a new mother and a wife and had everything to live for. She was angry that her body was betraying her and taking her away from her children and husband. She found this passage in a book called Kitchen Table Wisdom (credit coming soon as I cannot remember the author.) While the passage is talking about cancer and dying, I found it comforting to me in this IF struggle as well. I hope it helps you too.

“I had thought joy to be rather synonymous with happiness, but it seems now to be far less vulnerable than happiness. Joy seems to be a part of an unconditional will to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations. Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet with whatever is there. It has a kind of invincibility that attachment to any particular outcome would deny us. Rather than the warrior who fights toward a specific outcome and therefore is haunted by the specter of failure and disappointment, it is the lover drunk with the opportunity to love despite the possibility of love, the player for whom playing has become more important than winning or losing. Surrendering our lives to God gives us the freedom to experience real joy.

“The willingness to win or lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness. From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life. Not only pleasant life, or comfortable life, or our idea of life, but all life. Joy seems more closely related to aliveness than to happiness.”

Well, f'ity f' f' f'!!!!!!

2008-12-30T18:58:00.002-05:00

I just can't freaking believe this. I know a lady who is the sweetest, dearest, most wonderful friend anyone could ever hope for. She always goes out of her way to make sure everyone is supported and loved. I just found out that she miscarried for the second time today. OK I'll say it FUCK!!!!!! I'm sorry for the language, but oh gee whiz and fiddley sticks just doesn't cut it.

This isn't about me, but I'm really wondering why I should even go for my monitoring appointment tomorrow. Even if I don't get canceled, which I probably will, or if I do get pregnant, which I probably won't, what is the point? Won't I just miscarry like so many of my friends lately?

Dang, dang, diggity dong dang! Nope it just doesn't express the mood of tonight.

A few pics from Disney

2008-11-10T09:40:00.006-05:00

In order not to obsess over what might be I will just obsess on what is! Here are a couple pictures of my boys! They are so handsome and the light of my life. I love to watch them sleep. I love to hear the conversations they have. I remember laying awake when they were tiny and listening to them "talk" to each other in the mornings. They had to have their 30 minutes of wake up time just playing and talking before I would go in to get them or the day would be thrown off. I so want to experience that falling in love again. It is the greatest wish of my life, but if for some reason God chooses not to bless me again, I know that I am already blessed among women!

Here is J!

Now P! How cute are they with those front teeth missing? Really???

P with Chef Mickey

J with Chef Mickey

Waiting, waiting, waiting

2008-11-10T09:30:00.002-05:00

Thank God for weekends! The waiting is so much easier then. With dh and the boys running here and there, grocery shopping, and of course Dolphins Football we are too busy to even think about if there is a baby cooking in my belly. Then Monday morning comes and it is back to school, making lunches and snacks. I have to make sure that the boys' backpacks are packed and get them dressed for the cold weather that has once again snuck up on us! Hooray! NO time to obsess! And then... the boys are on the bus and I'm home alone. I am trying so hard to keep positive and not really think of this, but it is hard. I can say that I'm 5 days into the 14 day wait so more than 1/3 of the way there! Go me!

Ahh! The fun of the two week wait.

2008-11-07T14:19:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we had our first IUI. For a procedure that can ultimately change your life it really is a non-event. DH went in the morning of and delivered his "donation." Then I went in at 1:30. I waited a bit and the receptionist told me to go pick up the specimen. I went to the lab, gave my photo ID & waited. That was really the most complicated part of the procedure. When the "boys" were safely in my posession I went back across the hall to the clinic and a nurse met me and described the procedure. The RE came in, inserted the specimen and did an ultrasound. After that I laid flat for 15 minutes and then was on my way.

So now all there is to do is wait. I can only hope and pray that this will work. If not we are taking next month off and then starting again in January.

Thanks for reading

It is in God's hands now

2008-07-16T13:03:00.002-04:00

What a crazy wacky cycle this has been. I told myself I wasn't going to obsess. I told myself I wasn't going to drive myself and dh crazy. LOL! I was doing it. I was peeing on the ClearBlue Easy Fertility monitor sticks, regular OPK and even took an hpt just to make sure that there wasn't something funky going on with my pee. No, I'm not obsessing. Right? Then came the thermometer issues and my temps being so very very low. Finally, I had basically no CM whatsover. I couldn't even really call it creamy. It was just gone. What is going on? I finally came to the conclusion that July was going to be anovulatory and quit feeding the monitor sticks b/c they are so dang expensive. I was a little disappointed, but not surprised b/c for some reason July is almost always an off month for me. So what happens. 2 days after stopping all tracking except for BBT I get a tiny bit of EWCM. Not as much as usual, but it was some. My temp spiked and I thought I had finally Ovulated. Yesterday my temp was back down but to my normal pre O temp. Hmmmm? Maybe I didn't ovulate. Then the EWCM started up in abundance! Holy Moly I think it was all just sitting and waiting for O day! Dh and I managed, despite incredible fatigue, to get busy and hopefully the little soldiers are having a party with the egg.

I started the lovenox on CD 12 and will continue until either af shows or the baby is almost ready to be delivered. I'm hoping for the latter of course.

But I am determined NOT to test until August 1 or 4th as those are the days that I got bfp with my twins. I will not pull and push on my BBS to see if they are sore. If I get nauseous I will assume it is something I ate and not early morning sickness. I will play with my sons and be grateful that they are in my life. I will not obsess. It is too emotionally exhausting!

It is a plan at least. We'll see how well I do with it.

Kristi

Hi everybody!

2008-05-23T17:29:00.001-04:00

Wow! Here we go! Let me introduce myself and tell you a little bit about the journey I am on.
My name is Kristi and I'm 41 years old. Trust me that little bit of information will be useful in a minute. I have 4 beautiful children L is 24, a teacher, and married to the sweetest man. I couldn't be more proud of anyone in my life. C is almost 22, she still lives in my home state and is an absolute sweetheart of a girl. I love her more than life itself. J&P are 7 years old and the unmitigated lights of my life! They are sweet, caring bundles of mischief and energy just like 7 year old boys should be. F is my soul mate. He is a caring loving man who alternately drives me to distraction and adoration. I can't imagine my life without him.

After C was born I chose to have a tubal ligation (TL) b/c I was in a marriage that was doomed to fail, and being only 20 years old with 2 children both conceived while on birth control, I just couldn't risk getting pregnant again. When I met and married F we knew we wanted children so we consulted with my OBGYN who informed me that a tubal ligation reversal (TR) wouldn't work and that our best bet was IVF. Since I was still relatively young at 34 years old it would be a breeze. So off we trotted to the RE for IVF. It took the good part of a year and almost $100,000.00 but we did eventually get pregnant. Imagine our surprise when we were told that I was having twins! We were alternately scared and overjoyed. The pregnancy was a nightmare and full of fear and stress, but at 35weeks I gave birth to beautiful, big, healthy identical baby boys. The surprises never cease!

That brings me to last summer (2007). We were driving down the road and F asked me if I ever think about "it." What? I asked him what he was talking about and he asked me if I still thought about having another baby. OMG! This was a dream come true. I couldn't believe he was willing to consider this. It has been my dream for 4 years to have another baby. There was only one problem. I will not ever do IVF again. I just can't put myself through the mental and physical rigors that it entails. I had done research into a TR 4 years ago and found a wonderful doctor and even had an initial consult with him, but life intervened and we never followed through with the surgery. Now F was bringing it up on his own. I contacted the surgeon again and in October of 2007 I scheduled the surgery for late November. Unfortunately life intervened again and F got very ill and was in the hospital for 3 weeks with Levaquin resistant pneumonia. He developed a pulmonary abscess which and he was not allowed to fly so we had to postpone the surgery. I was devastated and angry. I don't know what I was angry at, but I was angry just the same.

On January 20th we flew to Louisville, KY to have the surgery. It was a huge success and I ended up with tubes of 10.5 cm and 10.25 cm (anything over 4 is great!) The surgeon said that my tubes, "should work." Well they do!

After my recovery period I got pg the first try out of the gate. Unfortunately it was a chemical pregnancy and I lost it at 4w4d. I was sad, but also hopeful since it was obvious that my tubes were open and now I could get pregnant. We threw ourselves into trying again as soon as possible. I ovulated again 3 weeks after the miscarriage and got pregnant AGAIN! God is so good and we were thrilled when a very early u/s showed us a gestational sac. Unfortunately this pregnancy was doomed to fail as well. An ultrasound at 5w3d showed that the sac had not grown. I went back the next week and although the sac had grown and my numbers had gone up there was nothing in the sac. I was crushed. The Dr. gave me some medicine to hasten the miscarriage and now we are in a holding pattern until July.

When I went to the Dr. with my first miscarriage in March the Dr. was astounded that 1. I wanted to get pregnant at my age and 2. that I had a TR. According to him TRs never work. Well obviously they do! Then when I got pg again so soon after the m/c he refused to believe that it was a new pregnancy and ordered an ultrasound. As I tried to convince him that it was a new pregnancy he told me that it was virtually impossible for a woman my age to get pregnant 2 times in 2 months. Uh, really? Well guess what? I DID! I switched doctors after that ultrasound. My new doctor is a dream and I pray that the next pregnancy will be a keeper.

So that is my journey so far. I will post updates on the wait, the emotions of dealing with a miscarriage, the challenges of TTC with school aged children at home and basically anything I can think of. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Tell your friends and my God sprinkle baby dust on all who desire it.

Kristi

PS. Although my real name is Kristina the only people who call me that are my in-laws and F when he is mad so Kristi will work just fine!