Is Jesus speaking to me?

OK girls, this might be a long one, but I have had these things on my heart for a while and I have been waiting for the right time to share. So grab a coke and some chips and settle down for a long read.

A few weeks ago my MIL pulled me aside and told me she had something for me. That I needed to go to her house and get it. We went a few days later and my MIL gave me a container of Holy Water from Our Lady of Fatima. She told me that if I drank the water Jesus would give me a baby. I looked at her stunned because we have NOT told her that we are trying to have a baby. She told me that Jesus told her that I wanted a baby and if I drank the water he would give one to me. I thanked her and took the Water. I didn't drink it right away. Then a very close friend of our family died and I didn't think it was appropriate to use God's grace at that time. I knew that dh and I wouldn't be together for a while and didn't want to waste it. MIL and FIL watched the boys while we went to our friend's wake. When we picked them up after the service she asked me if I had drank the Water and I told her no. She said again that Jesus had told her to tell me to drink it. Wednesday morning I decided to drink it. I drank ½ of it. That day I got so much EWCM that I was a bit shocked I haven't gotten EWCM like that in over a year. Then that night dh and I DTD! No pressure, no fighting or begging, just two people in love who needed to be together to heal our broken hearts.

Yesterday at Easter Mass I was singing the Glory Be and I just got this feeling that I would actually have another baby and decided then and there that if I did get pregnant with a girl I would consider the name Gloria. I don't know where that thought could have come from other than Jesus himself. For the past 2 weeks or so I have been really at peace with the idea that J&P may be my last babies. I still want one, but I was ok with the idea that it might not happen. Suddenly there was the thought that I might just have another one. I drank the rest of the Water when I got home. Last night dh and I DTD again! Once again it was so nice and no pressure. This morning I got up and all the EWCM was gone! I must have ovulated over night.

Today is my MIL's birthday and as I was driving the kids to my SIL's house for a semi-surprise party for MIL I suddenly got very dizzy, flushed and nauseaus. It was over in 10 minutes. I remember that happening once with J&P and each time that I got pg and miscarried. It was strange, but I don't really know what to make of it. I just prayed that if this was a sign that God would please grow and protect the miracle He is working inside me.

At the party I was playing with my almost 2 year old nephew. I love this child so much, but he has always sparked the most intense pain in my heart. When SIL got pg dh and I were still debating the surgery and in fact had decided against having it. I was devestated that SIL could just decide to get pg and it happened the first month for her both times. I am not proud to admit that I prayed for some really horrible things that make me hang my head in shame when I look at Lucas. Then she gave birth to a RED HEADED LITTLE BOY. You see, I always dreamed I would have a red headed little boy. She had my baby and I hated her for it! It has been a real struggle to love that little blessing so much and to feel such pain every time I look at him. Today the pain wasn't so intense. Yes there was a pinch of my heart, but nothing like what it was before. Thank you God for buffering my pain today as my heart is still healing from John's loss.

At one point my MIL called me aside and said that she knew I hurt. MIL doesn't speak much English and I speak even less Spanish. I acted like I didn't know what she was talking about. She told me she sees pain in my eyes when I play with Lucas, but that Jesus will erase my pain very soon.

I have been praying so hard for God's grace in this journey. He gave it to me with the last IUI cycle and even now through this "wait time." I can only hope that he is speaking to me through my MIL and that very soon Jesus will send his grace down to me and I will be holding and playing with my very own baby soon. If not I know I will be ok. I now have that peace in my heart. Jesus loves me this I know is the first line of a favorite children's song and I truly believe this. Jesus loves me and wants only the best for me and my family. I know He will do what is right. I just had to learn to let go and let him do what He needs to do. I still don't know His plan. Is it to give me another child to love and raise to love Him, or is it to just make me a better mother to the children that I already have? I just hope that I am able to follow Him and make Him proud of his child.

A Season of Hope

Well, our last cycle was a big fat bust! Now we are just waiting to try again. How do we keep going? Where do all of those fighting infertilty find the strength and courage to do this again and again? Heck if I know? All I know is that for me there is a hole in my soul that is waiting for another baby to come fill it. I cannot stop. I cannot rest until I know that I have done all that I can to fill that hole. So I cry when I need to, scream when I have to and keep on trying. That is all any of us can do.

I am blessed in so many ways on this journey. Of course there are the children I already have and cherish beyond words and my friends that I have met along this road, and I am especially blessed that my DH has a good job which allows us to continue as long as we can physically and spiritually endure. Many people are not that lucky. One such woman is a good friend of mine. I think the best description of this lady is to say she has the heart of a lion and the soul of a lamb. She is an amazing lady who SHOULD have a baby. Unfortunately her insurance company doesn't cover IVF which is now her last option. Her friends and I have banded together to make sure that our dear friend can fulfill her destiny to be a Mommy. If you have a few dollars to donate to help her please visit this site:
https://www.fundable.com/groupactions/groupaction.2009-02-03.7003289823
Any amount is appreciated and even just $10 can help more than you would imagine.
Thanks so much and L keep your chin up girl! This WILL happen for you!

Thanksgiving

I know it is January and not November, but this morning I have been thinking about infertility and all the things it brings to a person's life. To be sure IF has brought me a lot of heartache and stress. It has brought me 45 extra pounds on my body and countless tears, BUT it has brought me many positive things as well.

First and foremost my IF journey has brought so many wonderful women into my life. These are women that I would have never met or gotten to know in my daily life. I never cease to be amazed at the love and support only a woman going through IF herself can give to another woman.

I have discovered a strength I didn't know I had. It takes a strong woman to keep going even when there is no guarantee that the goal will ever be reached. It takes stamina and courage to inject powerful drugs into your body over and over again just in the hopes that someday you will be a Mommy, or a Mommy-Again.

IF has taught me that I did indeed make the right decision in picking my DH to spend the rest of my life with me. Sure he drives me crazy and doesn't always do or say the right thing, but all in all I can't imagine anyone else who would put up with my mood swings or ever increasing rear end and still love me.

Finally, IF has taught me to count my blessings. I truly want another child. I desire it with my whole heart, but if for some reason God decides not to bless me again I know that I am still blessed. I have beautiful and wonderful children, a great husband and good friends. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have great insurance coverage so the money factor is no longer the deciding factor in how long we pursue this dream. IF has also taught me to lean on my faith and my God. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm trying.

So while IF really SUCKS and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I can say that it has brought some good things to my life to balance out the crap. I guess that is just life.

I found this poem this afternoon. I remember reading it in a college poetry class and being struck by it. As I have been thinking of things to comfort T in her recent loss I have considered sending it to her, but I'm not sure it is the right time.

I thought once how Theocritus had sung

Of the sweet years, the dear and wished-for years,

Who each one in a gracious hand appears

To bear a gift for mortals, old or young:

And, as I mused it in his antique tongue,

I saw, in gradual vision through my tears,

The sweet, sad years, the melancholy years,

Those of my own life, who by turns had flung

A shadow across me. Straightway I was 'ware,

So weeping, how a mystic Shape did move

Behind me, and drew me backward by the hair;

And a voice said in mastery, while I strove,--

"Guess now who holds thee!"--"Death," I said, But, there,

The silver answer rang, "Not Death, but Love."

Early morning musings

Ah to be young again!

After a long day and a welcome bed time I was looking forward to a full night's sleep. It started well and I was happily snoozing away when I started dreaming that J&P were playing in their room. Oh how sweet. But wait, I wasn't dreaming. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 4:10 AM!!!!!!!! WTH???? I tried to ignore them hoping they would go back to bed. What was I thinking? They were having so much fun. I heard their computer go on and I heard them talking. I was annoyed, but to be honest it was kind of fun to lay there and listen to them. It took me back to a time about 7 years ago when I would lay in bed and listen to them while they were in their cribs. As little babies J&P needed to be with each other. They would scoot toward each other until their precious little heads touched and when we had to seperate them into their own cribs they would scoot until their heads were as close to touching ss physically possible. When they would wake up J&P would spend about 30 minutes just cooing and laughing with each other before they were ready to start the day.

Gosh I miss those sweet times with little babies. I love my big boys and I love watching them grow and learn, but I still long for the days with a little one. I can only hope that God will see fit to grant me the pleasure one more time.

What a wild and crazy ride!

So now we wait again! To be honest I'm thrilled to be able to wait because yesterday we were pretty certain the entire cycle had been a bust. Let me back up a bit.

Friday morning I went for the first of what was supposed to be 2 IUIs. It went well and Dh's swimmers were in rare and frantic form.

Saturday I go in for the second IUI to be told that I still haven't ovulated, but not to worry it was still ok. It had been 36 hours from the "trigger." About an hour after the IUI I became very ill. I was bloated and cramping and at times had a really hard time even standing upright. I was sure I was ovulating all those follicles. What else could cause that kind of pain?

Sunday, IUI and ultrasound. Dr. H tells me that I still haven't ovulated! WTH??? It was 60 hours post trigger and I should have ovulated if I was going to. It appeared that I wasn't going to ovulate. Dr. H had blood drawn to verify that I hadn't ovulated, but didn't give me much hope that the cycle would continue.

Today I got a call from Dr. R, my regular RE, who told me that I did infact ovulate and ovulated very well as my progesterone was at 36 which is very high for so early. Dr. R gave me 3 scenarios for why the "follicles" were still visible on the ultrasound.

1. I had a lot of follicles so I might not have ovulated all of them.

2. The follicles he saw were the small follicles that didn't ovulate but continued to grow after the trigger.

3. The ovulated follicles had already filled up from ovulation. He said it can happen within 12 hours, but that usually happens in younger women. UGH! When is he going to figure out that my ovaries don't know how old they are and I don't plan on telling them?

So now we wait again and gratefully wait at that! January 15th can't come fast enough for me.

Still in the game

So I had another dark:30 appointment at the RE today. When he walked in he asked how I'm doing. Does he really want to know? Does he want to know that I am completely heartbroken for my friend T? Does he want to know that I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired that I just might scream? I don't think so. I just told him that I'm about done with all this fun. Then to lay back and let the fun begin! I have 5 almost mature follicles on my right ovary and my left ovary is still being the bitch that she is and hiding way behind my uterus. What the heck is that about? Really? When I asked the RE about my blood levels being so high indicating more follicles than we would like he told me that with Lucy Lefty over there hiding the chance of getting pregnant from that ovary is slim to none. She is just too far away from Beauty Tube so we will proceed from here on out as if I just have Mighty Righty doing all the work.

So now we wait. Wait for the results of today's blood work to see what my E2 levels are and to see if I trigger tonight or tomorrow. Either way the IUIs are scheduled for Friday and Saturday. Hooray. No more Follistim for me!

In an only in New York moment, the RE asked me why I looked so upset. I told him about T and in true New Yorker style he came to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Yes, that does suck!" What caring, what professionalism. You know what? It was exactly what I needed to hear. On another note if I do get pregnant this cycle I can say that Natalie Portman's father knocked me up! Yep! Dr. H is on call Friday and Saturday and is Natalie Portman's father! Now do you think he can put a little of that tiny, beautiful, talented baby girl mojo on F's "donation?" It would be nice!

I'll update later when I get my numbers in.

God has a way of soothing the hurt

I was reeling from my friend's sad news. (BTW I heard you say, "You think?") I was so sad. I found a blog written by a woman who was dying from Cancer. She was a new mother and a wife and had everything to live for. She was angry that her body was betraying her and taking her away from her children and husband. She found this passage in a book called Kitchen Table Wisdom (credit coming soon as I cannot remember the author.) While the passage is talking about cancer and dying, I found it comforting to me in this IF struggle as well. I hope it helps you too.

“I had thought joy to be rather synonymous with happiness, but it seems now to be far less vulnerable than happiness. Joy seems to be a part of an unconditional will to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations. Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet with whatever is there. It has a kind of invincibility that attachment to any particular outcome would deny us. Rather than the warrior who fights toward a specific outcome and therefore is haunted by the specter of failure and disappointment, it is the lover drunk with the opportunity to love despite the possibility of love, the player for whom playing has become more important than winning or losing. Surrendering our lives to God gives us the freedom to experience real joy.

“The willingness to win or lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness. From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life. Not only pleasant life, or comfortable life, or our idea of life, but all life. Joy seems more closely related to aliveness than to happiness.”