Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Still in the game

So I had another dark:30 appointment at the RE today. When he walked in he asked how I'm doing. Does he really want to know? Does he want to know that I am completely heartbroken for my friend T? Does he want to know that I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired that I just might scream? I don't think so. I just told him that I'm about done with all this fun. Then to lay back and let the fun begin! I have 5 almost mature follicles on my right ovary and my left ovary is still being the bitch that she is and hiding way behind my uterus. What the heck is that about? Really? When I asked the RE about my blood levels being so high indicating more follicles than we would like he told me that with Lucy Lefty over there hiding the chance of getting pregnant from that ovary is slim to none. She is just too far away from Beauty Tube so we will proceed from here on out as if I just have Mighty Righty doing all the work.

So now we wait. Wait for the results of today's blood work to see what my E2 levels are and to see if I trigger tonight or tomorrow. Either way the IUIs are scheduled for Friday and Saturday. Hooray. No more Follistim for me!

In an only in New York moment, the RE asked me why I looked so upset. I told him about T and in true New Yorker style he came to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Yes, that does suck!" What caring, what professionalism. You know what? It was exactly what I needed to hear. On another note if I do get pregnant this cycle I can say that Natalie Portman's father knocked me up! Yep! Dr. H is on call Friday and Saturday and is Natalie Portman's father! Now do you think he can put a little of that tiny, beautiful, talented baby girl mojo on F's "donation?" It would be nice!

I'll update later when I get my numbers in.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

God has a way of soothing the hurt

I was reeling from my friend's sad news. (BTW I heard you say, "You think?") I was so sad. I found a blog written by a woman who was dying from Cancer. She was a new mother and a wife and had everything to live for. She was angry that her body was betraying her and taking her away from her children and husband. She found this passage in a book called Kitchen Table Wisdom (credit coming soon as I cannot remember the author.) While the passage is talking about cancer and dying, I found it comforting to me in this IF struggle as well. I hope it helps you too.

“I had thought joy to be rather synonymous with happiness, but it seems now to be far less vulnerable than happiness. Joy seems to be a part of an unconditional will to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations. Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet with whatever is there. It has a kind of invincibility that attachment to any particular outcome would deny us. Rather than the warrior who fights toward a specific outcome and therefore is haunted by the specter of failure and disappointment, it is the lover drunk with the opportunity to love despite the possibility of love, the player for whom playing has become more important than winning or losing. Surrendering our lives to God gives us the freedom to experience real joy.

“The willingness to win or lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness. From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life. Not only pleasant life, or comfortable life, or our idea of life, but all life. Joy seems more closely related to aliveness than to happiness.”

Well, f'ity f' f' f'!!!!!!

I just can't freaking believe this.  I know a lady who is the sweetest, dearest, most wonderful friend anyone could ever hope for.  She always goes out of her way to make sure everyone is supported and loved.  I just found out that she miscarried for the second time today. OK I'll say it FUCK!!!!!! I'm sorry for the language, but oh gee whiz and fiddley sticks just doesn't cut it.

This isn't about me, but I'm really wondering why I should even go for my monitoring appointment tomorrow.  Even if I don't get canceled, which I probably will, or if I do get pregnant, which I probably won't, what is the point?  Won't I just miscarry like so many of my friends lately?

Dang, dang, diggity dong dang!  Nope it just doesn't express the mood of tonight.