OK girls, this might be a long one, but I have had these things on my heart for a while and I have been waiting for the right time to share. So grab a coke and some chips and settle down for a long read.
A few weeks ago my MIL pulled me aside and told me she had something for me. That I needed to go to her house and get it. We went a few days later and my MIL gave me a container of Holy Water from Our Lady of Fatima. She told me that if I drank the water Jesus would give me a baby. I looked at her stunned because we have NOT told her that we are trying to have a baby. She told me that Jesus told her that I wanted a baby and if I drank the water he would give one to me. I thanked her and took the Water. I didn't drink it right away. Then a very close friend of our family died and I didn't think it was appropriate to use God's grace at that time. I knew that dh and I wouldn't be together for a while and didn't want to waste it. MIL and FIL watched the boys while we went to our friend's wake. When we picked them up after the service she asked me if I had drank the Water and I told her no. She said again that Jesus had told her to tell me to drink it. Wednesday morning I decided to drink it. I drank ½ of it. That day I got so much EWCM that I was a bit shocked I haven't gotten EWCM like that in over a year. Then that night dh and I DTD! No pressure, no fighting or begging, just two people in love who needed to be together to heal our broken hearts.
Yesterday at Easter Mass I was singing the Glory Be and I just got this feeling that I would actually have another baby and decided then and there that if I did get pregnant with a girl I would consider the name Gloria. I don't know where that thought could have come from other than Jesus himself. For the past 2 weeks or so I have been really at peace with the idea that J&P may be my last babies. I still want one, but I was ok with the idea that it might not happen. Suddenly there was the thought that I might just have another one. I drank the rest of the Water when I got home. Last night dh and I DTD again! Once again it was so nice and no pressure. This morning I got up and all the EWCM was gone! I must have ovulated over night.
Today is my MIL's birthday and as I was driving the kids to my SIL's house for a semi-surprise party for MIL I suddenly got very dizzy, flushed and nauseaus. It was over in 10 minutes. I remember that happening once with J&P and each time that I got pg and miscarried. It was strange, but I don't really know what to make of it. I just prayed that if this was a sign that God would please grow and protect the miracle He is working inside me.
At the party I was playing with my almost 2 year old nephew. I love this child so much, but he has always sparked the most intense pain in my heart. When SIL got pg dh and I were still debating the surgery and in fact had decided against having it. I was devestated that SIL could just decide to get pg and it happened the first month for her both times. I am not proud to admit that I prayed for some really horrible things that make me hang my head in shame when I look at Lucas. Then she gave birth to a RED HEADED LITTLE BOY. You see, I always dreamed I would have a red headed little boy. She had my baby and I hated her for it! It has been a real struggle to love that little blessing so much and to feel such pain every time I look at him. Today the pain wasn't so intense. Yes there was a pinch of my heart, but nothing like what it was before. Thank you God for buffering my pain today as my heart is still healing from John's loss.
At one point my MIL called me aside and said that she knew I hurt. MIL doesn't speak much English and I speak even less Spanish. I acted like I didn't know what she was talking about. She told me she sees pain in my eyes when I play with Lucas, but that Jesus will erase my pain very soon.
I have been praying so hard for God's grace in this journey. He gave it to me with the last IUI cycle and even now through this "wait time." I can only hope that he is speaking to me through my MIL and that very soon Jesus will send his grace down to me and I will be holding and playing with my very own baby soon. If not I know I will be ok. I now have that peace in my heart. Jesus loves me this I know is the first line of a favorite children's song and I truly believe this. Jesus loves me and wants only the best for me and my family. I know He will do what is right. I just had to learn to let go and let him do what He needs to do. I still don't know His plan. Is it to give me another child to love and raise to love Him, or is it to just make me a better mother to the children that I already have? I just hope that I am able to follow Him and make Him proud of his child.
Last day of school
2 years ago