Thanksgiving

I know it is January and not November, but this morning I have been thinking about infertility and all the things it brings to a person's life. To be sure IF has brought me a lot of heartache and stress. It has brought me 45 extra pounds on my body and countless tears, BUT it has brought me many positive things as well.

First and foremost my IF journey has brought so many wonderful women into my life. These are women that I would have never met or gotten to know in my daily life. I never cease to be amazed at the love and support only a woman going through IF herself can give to another woman.

I have discovered a strength I didn't know I had. It takes a strong woman to keep going even when there is no guarantee that the goal will ever be reached. It takes stamina and courage to inject powerful drugs into your body over and over again just in the hopes that someday you will be a Mommy, or a Mommy-Again.

IF has taught me that I did indeed make the right decision in picking my DH to spend the rest of my life with me. Sure he drives me crazy and doesn't always do or say the right thing, but all in all I can't imagine anyone else who would put up with my mood swings or ever increasing rear end and still love me.

Finally, IF has taught me to count my blessings. I truly want another child. I desire it with my whole heart, but if for some reason God decides not to bless me again I know that I am still blessed. I have beautiful and wonderful children, a great husband and good friends. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have great insurance coverage so the money factor is no longer the deciding factor in how long we pursue this dream. IF has also taught me to lean on my faith and my God. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm trying.

So while IF really SUCKS and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I can say that it has brought some good things to my life to balance out the crap. I guess that is just life.

I found this poem this afternoon. I remember reading it in a college poetry class and being struck by it. As I have been thinking of things to comfort T in her recent loss I have considered sending it to her, but I'm not sure it is the right time.

I thought once how Theocritus had sung

Of the sweet years, the dear and wished-for years,

Who each one in a gracious hand appears

To bear a gift for mortals, old or young:

And, as I mused it in his antique tongue,

I saw, in gradual vision through my tears,

The sweet, sad years, the melancholy years,

Those of my own life, who by turns had flung

A shadow across me. Straightway I was 'ware,

So weeping, how a mystic Shape did move

Behind me, and drew me backward by the hair;

And a voice said in mastery, while I strove,--

"Guess now who holds thee!"--"Death," I said, But, there,

The silver answer rang, "Not Death, but Love."